I feel like the picture above in a way. I am a tiny person who is on the brink of something much bigger and mysterious.
(LISTEN TO THIS SONG while reading to this post, it will allow you to feel how I feel a bit more, enjoy. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IGr1VwoKHdI)
This past weekend my great-grandfather passed away on my fathers side. It didn’t really have a major effect on me at first. I honestly think I have only met him once or twice in my life; my only memory of him was that his entire garage was filled with a massive model of a village, town, and mountainside complete with moving model trains, light up cars, and buildings. (Picture the model village in Beetlejuice now times that by 8, this sucker is awesome and huge.)
His funeral was today and so I got to spend the day with my dads side of the family. I have little connection to my dads side simply because of location. We are from CA they are from UT; didn’t see them much growing up.
It was a great ceremony but it was odd to me to see so many people grieving for a man that I feel connected to but also removed from. I am tied to this man and I feel a sense of emptiness, like I am missing a bit of my past. I like to think that my past didn’t being with me, I am connected to everyone and those that came before me. It’s like I am in a snow storm and the steps I have already taken are covered up by snow as I move forward. I made those steps, I was there, but I can’t even see them.
I can honestly say that I look forward to the future when I will see him again as well as the rest of my family. He was one of 14 kids; where are the other 13 branches of my family tree? I could be from anywhere and I can go anywhere.
Time will only tell. I have a beautiful image of me in a cold and overcast cemetery; this image remains in my head but I think it is how I will always remember this funeral. Then I started to think about my own funeral and I realised that I want it to be like the funeral at the end of Big Fish.
In this movie (Which EVERYONE should see; it is literally in my top 5 favorite movies of all time, I sincerely love it) all of the deceased family and friends gather there not to mourn his passing but to celebrate his life and share their fondest memories of this incredible human being.
I want to go like that; my death lost in a gentle stream of memories of happier times.
Oh and I want to die in the spring so my funeral can be covered in daffodils; they are my favorite flower. (but sunflowers would be nice too :)
Beautiful thoughts, memories and hopes, Nathan. I love daffodils, too. And the end was one of my favorite parts of Big Fish for that reason. It was a celebration of a life lived!
ReplyDeleteThis post was quite apropos for me. The first anniversary of my grandmother's passing is coming up shortly several family friends have past recently. Death is something that is frequently on my mind - whether it's the deaths of my loved ones or contemplating my own, I frequently ponder on the lives the we all live.
ReplyDeleteI also love daffodils, they are one of my favorite types of flowers. They are unique and beautiful. Just like me. And you. And Jo. And everyone else who writes for this blog and also those who read it. We are all cut from a slightly different mold but we are all incredibly beautiful and unique from all of the other flowers around us. We are special!
Thank you for your courage, Nathan. Thank you for your willingness to be you and to share all of your unique insights and for opening up about such a familiar, sensitive subject.
Amazing post, Nathan.
ReplyDeletethank you all for your love and support :)
ReplyDelete