Monday, April 30, 2012

Dear Mom and Dad -

My parents are celebrating their wedding anniversary this weekend and I decided it might be in poor taste telling them I'm gay during their celebration. So I am giving it a few days and then I'm going to tell them later this week.  However it plays out, I am planning on giving them this letter.  If you can, please consider sending me some mental warm fuzzies and other loving thoughts.  Thanks.


Dear Mom and Dad,

I love you.  Thank you for being the best parents you could be and for loving me.  Thank you for supporting me during some very tough and difficult times during my life. My mission and my time at BYU were both incredibly challenging at times and I appreciate your love and compassion.  Honestly, there were seemingly countless times I wanted to leave BYU or come home from my mission but your love and support were often all that kept me out.  Thank you for that.

Moving forward, I hope as you read this letter and as we work through the next stage of my life, I hope you will continue to know how much I love you. None of us are perfect and there have been times throughout my life that have been challenging for all of us.  I’m sure in the future we will face additional challenges, too, but I hope and pray that we will be able to work through them and only grow in our love and support for each other.

It has always been my intention and desire to have this conversation, in its entirety, in person but I don’t trust myself to effectively share all that I have in my heart and in my mind.  I hope that this letter answers many of your questions and responds to some of your concerns.

I have prayerfully considered my future over the last several years and, as I have become more honest with myself and with God, I believe it’s now time to be more honest with you, too. Mom and Dad, I am gay. Both of you have made what you think about homosexuals abundantly clear.  I know you believe it’s a choice and a fad but I promise you that it is not. Why would I, or anyone else for that matter, choose to jeopardize relationships with family and friends, risk being cut off and ostracized by their church and congregation, or settle for living and being treated as a second-class citizen?  If I could have chosen to change, I would have more than a decade ago.

In fact, I have tried for the last 15 years to change who I am and who I’m attracted to but I can’t.  I have spent a small fortune on counseling and medication to try and “fix” myself.  I dated women religiously and spoke with church leaders and studied everything the church had on the subject and the answers were always the same: read my scriptures more, go to the temple more, go to seminary, go to BYU, go on a mission, date lots of nice, Mormon girls, and everything will work out. I was told that this was just like any other trial and that by my faith I could be healed.

Well, I did all of these things and, as nothing changed, I began to believe that it would be better for me to kill myself rather than subject you, my parents, to the pain and shame of having a gay son. I have tried to commit suicide twice (nearly succeeding the first time) and I still consider death as an option on an almost daily basis. It is no way to live and I can’t do it any longer.

But, like I said, I have been doing a lot of praying and fasting and I have come to the conclusion that I am who I am and that God is okay with that.  I am tired of beating myself up for something I didn’t choose.  I’m tired of feeling like a failure because I cannot change who I am. And finally, I’m tired of hiding who I am from you and from everyone else.

I’m sure one of the biggest questions you have right now is how this is affecting my relationship with the church.  Truthfully, most of the pain and suffering I have felt and dealt with over the last decade has been a direct result of ignorant members and leaders in the church saying painful, ignorant things.  I can only be called psychologically handicapped, broken, unworthy, and an “enemy to the family” so many times before I start to feel angry, bitter, and abandoned – and that is where I’m at right now.

As I have worried about telling you this part of my life, I have wondered how you would react and what you would think.  I’ll be honest, none of the scenarios seem to end very well in my head.  Regardless of how things play out from this point forward, though, I want you to know that I am still me.  You raised me with a strict moral compass and I have done my best to live by it my entire life.  I have a firm understanding of what is right and what is wrong and I strive every day to treat others with respect and compassion. I am not a lascivious person and I am committed to being a positive influence in others’ lives. I just hope you remember that I am still the little boy and man you have loved for the last 27 years.  I am still all of the good things you have always known, I am just letting you into my life and being more honest with you – something I wish I had done years ago.

Part of me hopes this is something you’ve been guessing at or suspecting for awhile. Then again, maybe I’m a better actor than I thought and this has all come as a blind shock, I don’t know.  All I do know is that I have become a much happier person over the last few months as I have begun to accept who I am.

I want to be authentic and the only way for me to do that is by sharing all of myself with you. I know this is going to be difficult for you.  I know you, like all parents, have hopes and dreams for me and that many of those dreams may now be shattered. I’m sorry for challenging your expectations and dreams for me but I can’t apologize for who I am anymore.  I have given everything I have to change and invested everything I could into the church and its promise for change and yet here I am, still me, still unchanged.  I have given so much that my ‘well’ is now empty; I have no more to give. 
 
I am rebuilding myself from the ground up and I want you (all of the family) in my life. I hope that can happen.  Let me know when you want to and are ready to talk about this.  I know it is going to be difficult for all of us.

I love you,

Michael

27 comments:

  1. I think it's a great and heartfelt letter. My only comment is to try and avoid portraying the church in a negative light in the letter. The only reasoning behind this is to avoid eliciting a defensive reaction, or to avoid them immediately throwing up walls to whatever is said after that point. Frank and honest conversations about the church and the harm it causes LBGT people are important to have, I just think it helps to lay some groundwork first.

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    1. I softened the verbiage about the church and I hope that helps. Thanks so much for reading and for commenting.

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  2. Thanks so much for the thought and pointer. Honestly, the heartfelt letter you wrote for your parents gave me the strength and courage to write this one.

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  3. I Like very much your thoughts.I miss my mom and dad. sell my house

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  4. I've found honesty about myself to be one of the most liberating things ever, in spite of how hard it can be with family and friends. I'll be sending you lots of love this week!

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    1. Thank you for your love and support. I'm sure I'll be leaning on you a lot in the near future.

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  5. Way to go. What you're doing is incredibly difficult. I applaud your ability to be honest and authentic with your parents.

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    1. Thanks for the support and for your kind words! Authenticity is something I yearn for; I don't recall the last time I can say I was truly honest and authentic about myself. It could be never, I don't know... Here's to a new life and new adventure.

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  6. Thanks all, I was sent this article today. If anyone is interested it's definitely worth the read:

    http://www.huffingtonpost.com/glennon-melton/a-mountain-im-willing-to-die-on_b_1223229.html

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  7. I'm really happy to have been able to read this letter. Thank you for sharing it. I hope it goes over well and please keep us posted. I know with my own parents I have been surprised. While they still think of my sexuality as an abomination, they have at least realized that it's not just a phase and it isn't a superficial thing for me. My sexuality and gender have real depth and immense personal meaning and the longer I have been open with my family the more we have been able to accommodate each other.

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    1. B, thank you for opening up and sharing. Life is a tough journey and I wish we could all love each other more freely and without stipulation. I hope things continue to improve with your family and thank you for your words of encouragement for me and mine.

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  8. Dear MJ,

    You are incredibly brave and amazing and I sincerely hope that your parents handle things well and you get to have good honest conversations with them about this.

    Sincerely (See? This is how you can tell I'm sincere)

    Bailey

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    1. Dear Baily,

      Thank you so much for your strength and support. I truly appreciate how our lives and stories can all be vastly different but that we can also relate and support each other here, on the blog.

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  9. So I had the best of intentions of telling my mom tonight but after I told her I wasn't interested in renewing my temple recommend she started crying.

    When my mother cries my heart melts. So... I just sat there listening and trying not to cry myself as she went on about my patriarchal blessing and when I was set apart as a missionary.

    Therefore, I took the chicken way out. I handed her a slightly amended version of this letter (I only softened the words about the church)as I was leaving and told them that it would explain why I am struggling with the church and my faith and laid out where I am at, at this point of my life.

    As the outside of it was addressed to both my parents, she told me that she would wait and read it with my dad tomorrow.

    Now it's just a waiting game as I anticipate the bomb dropping sometime tomorrow night.

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  10. MJ, I've been thinking about your letter a lot and trying to find words that might be supportive and helpful in some way. This morning I was thinking about parent - child relationships, my own relationship with my parents, and even my mom's relationship with her mom.

    I think it's natural to feel that we have an obligation to our parents to make them happy, and not disappoint them. I've felt that way even with my very mellow parents. My grandmother was a strong, manipulative, slightly mean woman and my mom spent most of her life trying to be a "good" daughter and make my grandma happy. Much of her energy and life force was spent this way, even though it was really an impossible task. No one can make anyone else happy.

    But it's not your job, or your obligation to protect your parents or make them happy. They had their own lives and their own opportunities to make decisions and choose the paths they wanted for themselves. They chose to have children and raise them, but that doesn't mean that your life can be determined based on their expectations. This is your life, and your chance to form relationships and choose a path that will create happiness for you. You really don't "owe" them anything except respect and kindness, which you've shown them in the way you worded your letter.

    You are a kind, good person, and I know you don't want to hurt anyone, especially your family. But this is your life. You could spend it the way your parents want you to, by getting married to a nice Mormon girl and having a bunch of kids. You could keep going to church and pretend that everything's fine. But you would be unhappy, and hurting, and no parent should want that for their child. You are a wonderful, amazing, beautiful person and you have every right to be yourself in this world. Living someone else's life, or a fake life, will only hurt you, and ultimately your family because they won't really know who you are.

    I don't know if this is coming across the way I want it to, and I really hope it's not turning into a lecture. I'm looking at this from my own parental experience, as well. My little boy has a crazy strong personality and I have no idea where he will choose to go with his own life. But as he grows up and makes decisions, he shouldn't have to make them based on what I would want, or what his dad would want for him. I want him to have his own life and his own happiness. I've had my chance - if I screw up my happiness that's my own damn fault. :)

    I love you and my heart aches for you to have to go through this right now. But I hope that you will find strength in the freedom of being yourself, regardless of your family's reaction. And I hope so much that they can understand, so they can still benefit from having you in their life. They would be losing so much if they push you away.

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    1. I don't know what to say or how to respond. Thank you though, you are a wonderful friend and I am so glad to have you and your family in my life.

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    2. I agree, Tiffany. Pretending only hurts the pretender. In my experience, being honest and living what is in my heart (whatever that means for me), is where I find my happiness, even when that means I disappoint those I love. They have their journeys, too. It is not our job to please anyone or anything else, even our parents, hard as it may be.

      I love you, MJ. Maybe your mother's heart will open as the story continues. Maybe not. But you've got a huge support system right here...in case you forgot. :)

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  11. Michael,

    I hope your parents understand, but I hope you are also ready for them to fail to accept. They are older. They may not be capable of thinking this through except on a reactionary level. I hope you will stay consistent and wait for however long it takes. Maybe they will become only "distant" family.

    I think it could be helpful to focus on what your next steps are, now that you are "out" and have your whole wonderful, beautiful life in front of you.

    Marni

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  12. Marni,

    Thank you for your comment. I hope they do too. There's no word yet and today is the beginning of day three. I will give them time and space but there's nothing I want more right now than hearing them say "I love you."

    Anyway, I'm a hot mess and need to go. Thank you so much though for your support. It truly means the world to me.

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  13. I don't know if you'll be checking in here, but I saw that you removed yourself from FB today. I hope you're doing okay and just remember there are a lot of people who haven't had the chance to meet you in person who are thinking of you and hoping for the best.

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  14. I agree with Alex here. I love you and I'm sorry if your parents aren't that accepting right now. Time seems to pass so much slower when you are waiting for approval from people you love. I hope everything goes well but if it doesn't I have your back. I hope my FB message made it to you before you deleted your account because I sent you my number if you need a friend :)

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  15. So, it was a worst-case scenario. I received a voicemail telling me that my mom didn't believe me and that she would never show my dad because it would destroy him. She then said she would meet me in one to two weeks to discuss privately my problem. Just thought I'd fill everyone in. Thank you for your support.

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    1. I'm so sorry your mom wasn't understanding. There's nothing that can ease that pain. I came out to my family 5 years ago, and I still have feelings of guilt for disappointing my mom. She recently told me it was the worst thing that ever happened to her.
      Every relationship and every family is different, but I can tell you that it does get better with time, even when a family member has a very negative reaction. It changes your relationship. But you become a more centered and strong person in the process, and someday, she will see that and begin to understand. My heart goes out to you!

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    2. I am so sorry MJ. I can't even imagine how awful that must feel. I don't even know the words to try to help, but know that I too, along with everyone else here who has already said so, am here for you and rooting for you all the way.

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    3. I am so incredibly sorry to hear that. I know it doesn't fix anything; that's terrible and shattering and I'm so, so sorry. I don't know that I can ever have your courage: I'm bisexual (which I'm perfectly fine with), in a relationship with a boy, feeling like leaving the church. I won't be renewing my temple recommend. My mom would have the exact same reaction as yours, and I don't know that I will ever in my life have the courage to do what you've done. I admire you so, so much. You're incredibly courageous. I'm so sorry for how this is going to affect you and all the heartache you must be going through. I'll send a lot of thoughts your way. I don't know you except for as a lurker on this blog, but your posts have inspired and bless you. Thank you for everything you've done for me personally. God loves you and I do too, in my own lurking way.

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  16. oh my gosh, MJ. You HAVE to KNOW that your Heavenly Father's arms are strongly around you right NOW. If we were there, we would add both of our embraces to His.

    Please let us know if there is anything we could possibly contribute to help your mother or father adapt and accept this new knowledge. We live in Southwest Washington State. We could communicate with them in any way they prefer, share our views and understandings of this experience, provide links to articles and possible support groups to help them refocus…and there are SO many people who they could connect with!

    For your information, we are active LDS parents of a 30-year old gay son, (2 older brothers, 1 younger sister, 1 younger brother), who “came out” to us when he was 17, (not a total surprise, but difficult, nevertheless), decided he did not want to live the “gay lifestyle”, and served a happy, but difficult 2 years in the Washington DC South Spanish-speaking Mission. After returning home, he attended college for a year, and began reconsidering his choice to remain celibate. He needed “space” from family for awhile, so went to China for 6 months, where he taught English at a grade school. While there, he decided he could no longer continue living the Church standards. It took some time after arriving home for him to finally approach the Bishop & Stake President with the decision he would not choose a life of loneliness. It took them several months to figure out what to do, but they ultimately excommunicated him. I believe this was a very difficult decision for them; and it certainly was a difficult and frightening time of his life, as well as our entire family. After a few years of experimenting with “dating” guys and learning about the “gay community”, he was fortunate to find a hard-working, compassionate. (non-LDS) companion, to whom he is now engaged--in a safe, monogamous relationship--which is very much a comfort to us, considering the common alternatives of risky promiscuous choices, or his desperately attempting to remain celibate and in harmony with the church, but fighting constant temptation, depression, loneliness or contemplating suicide. We cannot support him going through a life of loneliness and despair and without companionship.

    Though many religious friends and family believe we have fallen into sin by accepting him unconditionally and proclaiming his homosexuality to be part of the person God made/meant him to be, (we are “loving the sinner AND his sin”)--we believe that God has guided our footsteps to be able to learn about this, and has helped our hearts overcome the societal and religious condemnation. We are still learning and growing and working hard at it. Little by little, we try to speak up to help overcome the fear, animosity and condemnation toward homosexuality felt by people in our own family, our church, and other churches and community members.

    It would make it a little better if there were marriage equality--so that he and his partner could be joined in a legal civil marriage--more socially respected and not so much like having a heterosexual child and their partner "living together"--however, that too, is common, and not so feared by most LDS. Since there is no option for them to have marriage at this time, we consider them married in our hearts and minds, and hope the legal climate will allow it in due time. What parent would not want their child to have the protections provided by a legal marriage contract? (it would be nice to have a religious sanction as well, but that is another story...)

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    1. Thanks so much for your very kind and supportive words. I can't wait to see the video of your presentation. :)

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