Monday, May 7, 2012

Coming In Before Coming Out

Well, I'm officially out to the person who I thought was the single most important person to tell in my life: my mother.

If you are following from last week, I wrote a letter to my parents and let them know where I stood on everything.  If you didn't read it, this post may make a bit more sense if you take a second to hop over here and look it over, first.

It didn't go well.  In fact, it went worse than my worst-case scenario.

In my letter I told my parents nearly everything. I told them about my suicide attempts, my time in therapy and on prescription meds, my attempts to be spiritually cleansed "by the laying on of hands," etc.  In short, I spelled out that even though I had tried EVERYTHING to change myself, I am still gay and I'm finally coming to terms with it. And, frankly, if God is out there, I believe He is okay with it, too.

The initial response I got from my mother was a terrifying voice mail telling me that she didn't believe me, that she knew I have "struggled with things in the past," and that she would never show or tell my dad about the letter because it would "destroy him" (three times). She then went on to tell me we needed to schedule a time to meet in the next week to two weeks when we could be alone to discuss my problem.


Now, I realize I have been trying to process this part of my life for more than 15 years and that it's incredibly hard on her and she will need time to process everything, but why the hell would anyone tell their suicidal son that he would destroy his father and family if they knew he was gay?

I would be lying if I said I didn't think about killing myself again this week; it was truly emotional overload and I didn't have the capacity to try and process everything so I shut down and started slowly addressing one issue and thought at a time. Fortunately I didn't try to overdose again and I am still here, alive and kicking.  The reason I didn't, honestly, brings me to the idea of coming in before coming out.

Coming out is a lengthy process and I am far from finished.  Coming in, however, started years ago.  I can't really pinpoint when I started to come into myself but I can remember sterling examples over the years that truly stick out; times when I began to see myself as a whole person.

Wonderful times when a friend would come out to me and I realized that I still loved him/her regardless of their orientation (shocking, I know).  Painful times when I would literally cry on God's doorstep, pleading for change, and then realizing that He wasn't going to change me and beginning to feel okay with that. And still, other beautiful times when I began to process who I was and then verbalizing it on this blog (sometimes I go back and read my older posts and I shocked at how much I've changed and embraced myself).

There are too many memories to share here but I have realized something: I am me and that is okay.  Regardless of what my mother or my father or my sisters or my neighbors or whoever thinks, I am me. And that has to be enough.

I know it's cliche' and I think it's on nearly every openly-gay-person-I-know's Facebook page but I want to conclude by sharing a quotation from Dr. Seuss:

"Be Who You Are and Say What You Feel Because Those Who Mind Don't Matter and Those Who Matter Don't Mind.”

 And the song "Listen" from one of my favorite movies, Dreamgirls. I love soul music and I love the message of this song so much.  I hope you do, too.


All my love,

MJ

18 comments:

  1. Keep your head up. Like you pointed out, your mother is just starting to process this "news." My parents disowned me. I learned to live without them. Slowly they started to learn and process everything and they came back to me. It takes time and while it feels like an eternity there will come a time when everything will begin to normalize.

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    1. Time will can heal many things but I am trying to be okay with the idea that it may not, too. My familial relationships - across the board - have always been rocky. Whatever happens will happen and I think I can be okay with that.

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  2. Much love and support to you. This too shall pass.

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    1. Thanks for the love and support. I don't know what will or won't pass but I am prepared to weather the storm. Mostly because I have some pretty awesome friends. Thanks to you and to all of you!

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  3. I think it's interesting that your Mother would be willing to keep this huge secret from your father for the rest of their lives. That is a troubling family dynamic. But putting that aside, congratulations! This was an act of complete and total courage and you are to be celebrated for sharing such a deeply personal truth. I've been there and I can tell you that despite all the challenges and the emotions still to come, you will find that your life is much better now and it will get even better. Just be an example of personal calm and love and one day you'll find that friends and family have are loveing and supporting you back. Again, congratulations on this brave and noble act!

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    1. I can't decide if it's apathy or peace... Either way, it is starting to feel better than the barrel of rocks (shame, guilt, fear, etc.) I've been carrying around. At least that's a start, right?

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  4. You're right, MJ. The only support and consent you need is your own. I've loved watching you emerge on this blog. You are constantly giving me reminders and helping to bring a little clarity to my own process. Thank you. Keep on, friend.

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    1. I have been emerging, haven't I. I feel like the caterpillar on "A Bug's Life" - Look at me, I'm a beautiful butterfly. OOOOoooohhhhh, I can fly! ;)

      Love ya!

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  5. When I came out to my parents, my dad apparently had some rather choice words for my brother that he fortunately never shared with me.

    Now my dad is 100% supportive.

    Your parents love you too, and with time they will understand and be supportive.

    In the meantime, I hope you have trusted friends in your life who love and support you unconditionally, and who can be a shelter to you in this emotional storm...

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    1. Thanks, I am so grateful for friends but if I'm honest, I've been relying on them for support for years. Nothing is too much different here other than my family has a bit more information to process and CHOOSE whether or not to accept.

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  6. Keep in mind that your mom is clearly struggling and can't imagine your dad dealing with this very well, so when she says "destroy" she more likely means "it will be very very hard" for him. Which is accurate. Ironically, when I told my parents I wanted to become a Mormon, they had as hard a time dealing with that as yours are with you coming out. 20+ years later, they are dealing with it just fine. If your parents are sincere in their faith, they will come to understand that loving you as you are is what Christ would want.

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    1. Sometimes I think that is a pretty big "if" but I can't dwell too much on it because then I would be no better than they are. Thank you though for your kind words and support, I truly appreciate it.

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  7. Good luck, MJ! You've been really helpful to me on this blog. Building up the courage to do this is extraordinary; you're incredibly brave. Thank you for everything you do on this blog. Good luck this week; I'll be thinking of you and your mom and trying to send positive thoughts your way.

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    1. Thank you so much. You have no idea how much it means for me to read your comment. Much love to you and so much gratitude, too!

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  8. MJ, I know this experience has been excruciating for you. And I wish your mom would have responded differently, even with more openness or some reassurance. But as I read your post today I see so much strength in your words. Understanding from your parents may take a very long time. I hope it happens and a relationship can be formed that will be healthy for you. But I think it's far more important that you are okay with who you are. I love the idea of "coming in before coming out." That is brilliant. And as you go through this process, please know how much you are loved by your friends. Thank you for sharing more of your story, and for giving hope and courage through your words. You are wonderful.

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    1. Thanks Tiffany, you know I appreciate your kind words - always. Life is what it is, right? I guess I can wish things were different forever but rather than just wish I am going to do all I can to try and make a difference and instigate change. Thanks for everything!

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  9. I think the most helpful thing you can do at this point is just be/act the same way you always have, thus proving that you are no different than you were before she had this information. As time passes, she will come to this realization, though the obvious difference may be that you have a same sex partner. That still doesn't change the fact that you are the same PERSON and loving son that you've always been. As we gay moms have come to know.....it's likely that our gay sons will take care of us as we age. We'd better be good to them!! Hugs to you!

    Alanna

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  10. Thanks Alanna, I hope you're right. I will definitely be mindful of your suggestion, thanks!

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