Life happens. Actually death happened. Actually suicide happened. To my little brother from my adoption days. And who found him? His older sister. The one and only girl that I never committed suicide for because as my roommate she would have been the first to notice me gone. And the image that I can’t get out of my head is her finding her little brother swinging from a tree in their backyard. Try as I might I wasn’t able to protect her from seeing that. And now I am here in Provo, not able to do anything to help the family. Now I just walk around like a zombie, half asleep, thinking Jacob’s actually dead.
I really wanted to write a happy blog post this week. I wanted to show you all that I was getting out of my funk. And the thing is I still am.
I miss Jacob. I’m shocked by his death. But I’m happy also. I know his struggle is finally over. He is with our loving Heavenly Father, finally Home. No longer frustrated because no one could understand him.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that I can find the happiness in death. My love and prayers are with his family. I know how strong they are and they will pull through this. And I know that he is finally at peace. I know that his suicide pulls me farther from committing my own. He has helped me to find the precious moments in my life.
Like cuddling with my best friend at the movies.
Like my boss giving me the day off to get my thoughts together.
Like my other boss telling me that he loved me and cared for me and would always be there if I needed to talk.
Like my boys talking about random stuff and making me laugh right after I found out.
Like my coworkers picking up my slack at work.
Like my mother listening to me cry for what I think might have been the first time.
Like hugs from Lee.
Life is full of happiness. Jacob’s death is helping me to find the good moments in my life, instead of simply focusing on the bad.
I love you guys so much. And if you ever get to that place I want you to know that I am here no matter what!
P.S. I told you guys I would update you on my summer bucket list. So here we go:
Get a tan- Continually working on this one
Go on 5 dates (be asked for at least 3)- Been on three, technically asked to two. It’s wonky.
Allow myself to receive help-From my bosses and coworkers recently
Decide what I want to do next fall- Pretty sure BYU is happening
Become dining hall coordinator- YEA!!!
Go to Nickel Arcade- So much fun! Lee is helping me go through my list J
Sing more- I have been yes.
Tell HER how I feel- I did this Monday J She hasn’t said anything back but I am being patient.
Refill my Prozac and cut down on the anxiety/ learn how to relax- It happened. I’m slowly getting to the relaxed part.
Be kissed- … Yea. That happened.
Love the new “Bob” – Yea Bob I love you
Tell my secrets to Mom – Yep I did.
Treasure the happy moments – Look up.
Be comfortable as a misfit but don’t disrespect your bosses- They still love me
Walk in the PRIDE parade- So good!
Watch Modern Family – It was interesting
Lay in the hammock with someone – Thank you E J
So this is my song for the week.