Monday, June 18, 2012

Impossible Expectations Make Life Incredibly Difficult


My dad and I have never been particularly close.  It’s not his fault, really. Growing up he always worked at least two jobs and, when he wasn’t working, the church pulled him in 15 other directions.  Whether he was in the bishopric, the elder’s quorum presidency, or the high priest group leadership, he was always giving service to somebody else.  It was what he was told he needed to do to be a good father and husband, and he performed his roles in the eyes of the church marvelously.

I resented it, I resented the church, and I resented him.

In fact, for decades I told myself that I was going to be a better father to my children than he was to me. 

As I grew older, however, I started to become keenly aware of the fact that I probably wouldn’t have children and this weekend, as we celebrated Father’s Day, I was reminded of the impossible expectations surrounding fatherhood my family has placed on me.

It’s funny, earlier this week I received a fortune cookie that read, “Impossible expectations make life incredibly difficult.”

I think it’s a rather stupid fortune but I find it to be quite apropos.

In my parents’ world I have only impossible expectations and that is truly making my life incredibly difficult.

My mother is still the only one who knows I’m gay in my family and her expectation is that I will stay alone, celibate, and in the closet for the rest of my days.

As a result of my continued sojourn in the closet, my dad and sisters have started to share their expectations for a traditional mormon marriage and numerous children with evermore frequency; after all, I am 27 and Brigham Young explicitly stated that single men of my age are "dangers to society."

At this point in my life I see both of these options as unattainable.

It’s not that I don’t want a family and children. In fact, it’s something that I want more than anything and, truthfully, my greatest fear in this life is that I will be alone and that I will die alone.

Father’s Day is about celebrating the roles fathers of all kinds play in our lives.  For me, as I look back, I am grateful for all the things my dad did for me regardless of his work schedule and zealous participation in the church.  He provided for me and my family, he did the best he could to be a moral figure for me to follow and look up to, and he taught me in large part to be the person I am today.

So, as I look forward to my life, I would like to provide a few other options that I find tenable. One is that I find someone I love and I spend the rest of my life being the best husband/partner I can be and, with him, raise our children together.

Or, the second idea is that I find a way to be a parent on my own and I raise a child or two as a single father – independent of any relationship status.

Either way, I commit today to myself and to you that I will not die alone and that I will not let others limit my ability to be a parent or define whatever future relationship I may or may not have as inferior, and that I will one day celebrate Father’s Day as a father.

Here’s to you, to  me, and to fathers everywhere.



PS - JC Penny is quickly becoming one of my favorite companies.  The above ad featured a normal, everyday gay couple celebrating their family as part of the chain's Father's day promotions in the midst of an ongoing crusade of hateful bigots who demanded the company fire their openly-gay spokeswoman, Ellen Degeneres, and apologize after showcasing a lesbian couple as part of their Mother's day ads. So far Ellen is still going strong and the company refuses to back down from their LGBTQ friendly stance. I applaud JC Penney and their willingness to support, strengthen, and stand behind families of all kinds.

12 comments:

  1. Fantastic post, MJ! You will be a great dad. I'm happy that you've decided to create your own dreams rather than accept the limitations others may place on you. That is inspiring. You are a warm, loving, generous person and will make a wonderful partner and father.

    I love the JC Penney ads, too. I shop there whenever I can now. I love that they didn't back down to the haters.

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    1. Thanks so much for your vote of confidence. I hope that I will be, too.

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  2. This post echoes a lot of the feelings I had about my own dad growing up. I find it ironic that the things our fathers were told would make them better husbands and fathers are the very same things that we, as their children, resent.

    I'm with Tiffany. It's nice to hear that you have decided to live outside of everyone else's expectations. In my experience, doing so is one of the most liberating and joyful things ever. And the hardest. :) You are going to make a phenomenal father, MJ. I can't wait.

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    1. Very ironic indeed. I will be strengthened in my resolve and whenever I get frustrated with my coming out process I just need to remember how long it took to get to this point and how much I've changed and opened up over the last couple of months. All in good time but I will get there, eh! Thanks for your love and support too!

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  3. Hi MJ
    I don't know if you know that one of the missions of the Utah Gay Father's Association is to make guys aware that the dream of being a father is possible. Sure it may not necessarily be through the traditional ways we've become fathers (marrying a woman while trying to suppress our sexuality) but nowadays as I'm sure you're aware you can be a father through adoption, surrogacy or just by being a foster parent among other areas, so don't give up hope it can be done, all in good time I'm sure!
    Hugs,Miguel

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    1. I know a few of the UGFs but I didn't know that was part of their mission, too. Thanks for sharing the idea and the resource! I'm not up on hope just yet! ;)

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  4. MJ,

    Being a single mom is totally my no-marriage back-up. :-) Whatever the challenges of being a single mom, no way could it be as bad as single period! But I'd like to echo you: you won't die alone! For one thing, you'll have friends (which doesn't always count for much, I know) and you'll also have the LGBTQ community rooting for you. There are many people that care about you, but I know that's just not the same. It just means that you're not absolutely alone.

    Also, I got a lame fortune this week too! (It wasn't as well timed as yours, though.) But you really will be a great father some day. I don't know when or how you'll become a father, but you'll be phenomenal at it, just like Jo said. I hope you have a good week!

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    1. Thanks for your support, L. I appreciate it and I hope we can have single-parent playdates if it comes to that! Take care and have a wonderful week too.

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  5. 27 is young, there's still plenty of time for your fear of being alone to be proven wrong. This reminded me of two quotes: "We are all alone, even when we are with men" and "You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with."

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    1. It's true, 27 is still young and as soon as I leave Utah I think I will remember that more easily. As for feeling lonely, you make a true point and it's something I am/need to work on. Thanks!

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  6. I've been struggling with this one for a while. My mom wants me to have kids but I'm not sure if I want to or not. But I think this is definitely your decision. If you want kids then you should have them! Be like Juno and go to the PennySaver ads :P
    Anyway just felt the need to comment. Love ya!

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    1. Thanks Dupree. Love ya too and that is and SHOULD BE the beauty of this life - making our own choices and enjoying this experience. Thanks and love ya too!

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