Friday, June 1, 2012

I Don't Have Feelings Anymore

Has it really only been a week since I last posted? I feel like so much stuff has happened. Well a lot of stuff has happened. And a big part of me wants to curl up and sleep. Just crawl into bed and not work, not eat, just sleep. But even with that weight of depression I realized that I still have it pretty good. So it’s time for Dupree’s infamous list of things that she is grateful for.

My mother. She has been so supportive and loving. I don’t let a day go by that I don’t talk to my mom. I love her so much. And her being my personal cheerleading squad has gotten me through so much.

My friends. When I need someone they are right there. Knowing people love and care about me has helped me so much. S, C, J, BradleyLee, E, T, and all of the bloggers and many more people.

My bosses. They do their best to take care of me.

My job. I ABSOLUTELY LOVE what I do. Sometimes it’s totally a mess and feel like I’m totally failing but then some boss will remind me that they appreciate all that I do and I remember that I do do a lot for the camp. Also I finally landed dining hall coordinator officially. I was so happy when my boss finally offered me the position I started running to call my mom and swallowed a fly. It was all good though.

I have full ride to one of the best private institutions in the west. I may not particularly like this institution but I can’t look down on such a blessing.

I have the blog. I freaking love writing for the blog. I love the community and MOST of all I LOVE THE PEOPLE!!! I’m so blessed to know you guys.

Noticed how I’ve used blessed? I’m getting closer to God. Not Mormonism. God. Jesus. A higher being that loves me and guides me. I think that this will be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.

Pretzel MM’s.

The realization that I’m crazy. Okay yea that’s odd. But the more I become aware of myself, the more I can grow and become a better person.

Rici. I love my car. I hope she lives long life. Even if she is a little ill.

Tumblr. Lol love it.

My home. Both of my homes. All of my homes. Oregon and Utah. Up in the mountains with a cool breeze. Snow on the ground and sun in the sky. I love it.

Windows. I just love natural light so naturally I need windows.

Pride this weekend! Sounds like it will be a blast.

Soft sugar cookies.


And I’m sure there is so much more. But my point is yea, I’m depressed. Life gets shitty sometimes. It’s not always sparkling and clean and blissful. But there are shiny parts. It’s like the night. Even if there isn’t a moon, there are still stars trying to shine bright for me. And some nights are brighter than others. I just gotta ride it out to get to my full moon while still appreciating the stars.

Love you guys!

P.s. Yes I do hit Lee but he deserves it. And it’s only out of love. And softly. And not in the face. 

Give your Heart A Break- Demi Lovato

Cause you've been hurt before, I can see it in your eyes
You try to smile it away, some things you can't disguise
Don't wanna break your heart, baby I can ease the ache

So let me give your heart a break, 
There just so much you can take. 


  1. I love you. And this list. Especially the one about you being crazy, because in my experience it's when you accept your craziness that it all starts to make sense.

    And there's nothing wrong with shadow time, with darkness. Being the nerdy art history major that I am, I often think of "depression" and "sadness" as the shadows in a beautiful painting. Without them, the light colors wouldn't be nearly as brilliant. They add so much to the whole picture. Hang in there. And know that there is love gushing your way.

    1. I really like this nerdy understanding-perspective. Very cool.

  2. Are you up the canyon full-time this summer? If you are down in the valley and want to get together (lunch? herbal tea? it doesn't have to be McDonalds!) let me know. I don't believe in crazy. Just mentally interesting. I'm off Facebook for awhile, though. Do you have my mobile #? Send a text.

    1. I don't think I have your number :( But I would love to get together. You could meet Lee too :)

    2. Hmmm....friend my dog on Facebook (Max Burton) he'll message you my number.

      I am very aware of how strange that previous sentence sounds.

      He doesn't make posts, so he is not particularly interesting to follow. He has a fairly low IQ and no sense of humor and he eats poo.

  3. lol. loved the P.S. it was perfect. the beat. the sound. the funny.
    Also, remember if you want to come hang out with me in Ogden you're welcome anytime.
    We always have chips and salsa. and hummus--the good kind that tastes yummy, not the other kind that is gross (which is most other kinds).

    1. Hm. That gross kind is gross, isn't it. The good stuff is so good though ;)

    2. Thanks for the invite. I've had good hummus before. The garlic kind is my favorite :)

  4. I totally get the depression, girl. I am so sorry you have to go through it. Sometimes life really does suck. But for me, it at least makes the good times that much sweeter:)

    And speaking of the night, wasn't the moon just absolutely incredible the past two nights???

    1. The moon was gorgeous! I was talking to a friend tonight and we were outside and I couldn't concentrate on him because I thought the moon was so beautiful. Of course I live in the mountains and it's all pretty beautiful :)
      And totally agree with sweeter thing. You can't know the good unless you experience the bad