The Things I've Left Behind

I've been thinking about my dad lately, though I'm not sure why.
He was never around much when I was a kid
always working
or playing bishop.
I have very few memories that involve him
which breaks my heart.
He was quiet.
I was quiet.
We shared a passion for the mountains
and for music
But very seldom did we ever do those things together.

I feel like he tried to be a good dad.
I'm sure he did.
Parenting has got to be hard,
especially when you have 8 children who all want your attention.

What little we had of a "relationship" unraveled last year when I came out to my family.
He wrote me a 9 page letter,
single-spaced,
telling me that I was possessed by demons,
that continuing down this path was sinful,
that repentance and accepting God were the only ways to find happiness.

I haven't talked to him much since.
I'm not angry.
But that was a relationship I needed to walk away from for a while.
Right now I need to be surrounded by people who support me,
who love me for me,
who are not trying to change me into something I'm not.
I spent way too many years doing that and trying to "repent" and "accept God"
and all I found was depression and empty relationships.

I wish I could tell him, though, how truly happy I am.
How much I love being me, now that I am authentic.
How I have learned to love people so much more
by loving myself.
I wish he would believe me.
Sometimes I wish I could share my life with him.
I wish I could call him up and tell him about Tiffany
and how much I love her,
how much fun we have together,
how this is real.

But I can't.

Not now.
Because he still feels like poison to my soul.
Something has got to change before I will allow him back into my heart.
Something needs to shift.
Maybe I'm just missing the idea of him since we never had much of a relationship to begin with.
Who knows?

But for now, my dad will remain
one of the things I've left behind.

Maybe we can find each other again someday.