Thursday, June 7, 2012

The Things I've Left Behind

I've been thinking about my dad lately, though I'm not sure why.
He was never around much when I was a kid
always working
or playing bishop.
I have very few memories that involve him
which breaks my heart.
He was quiet.
I was quiet.
We shared a passion for the mountains
and for music
But very seldom did we ever do those things together.

I feel like he tried to be a good dad.
I'm sure he did.
Parenting has got to be hard,
especially when you have 8 children who all want your attention.

What little we had of a "relationship" unraveled last year when I came out to my family.
He wrote me a 9 page letter,
telling me that I was possessed by demons,
that continuing down this path was sinful,
that repentance and accepting God were the only ways to find happiness.

I haven't talked to him much since.
I'm not angry.
But that was a relationship I needed to walk away from for a while.
Right now I need to be surrounded by people who support me,
who love me for me,
who are not trying to change me into something I'm not.
I spent way too many years doing that and trying to "repent" and "accept God"
and all I found was depression and empty relationships.

I wish I could tell him, though, how truly happy I am.
How much I love being me, now that I am authentic.
How I have learned to love people so much more
by loving myself.
I wish he would believe me.
Sometimes I wish I could share my life with him.
I wish I could call him up and tell him about Tiffany
and how much I love her,
how much fun we have together,
how this is real.

But I can't.

Not now.
Because he still feels like poison to my soul.
Something has got to change before I will allow him back into my heart.
Something needs to shift.
Maybe I'm just missing the idea of him since we never had much of a relationship to begin with.
Who knows?

But for now, my dad will remain
one of the things I've left behind.

Maybe we can find each other again someday.


  1. I'm glad we are kindred spirits because you have this uncanny ability to say and post things that are on my mind but that I cannot verbalize myself. Thanks for this heart-wrenching reminder of the bridges and relationships I need to analyze and address. Also, I already miss you. Just sayin'.

  2. I love you, and miss you! I understand how you feel. I have always missed having a fatherly figure. I don't think I have ever had one. Dad was one to an extent. Taught me how to use a hammer and mow the lawn; but, I don't believe any of those experiences were happy ones. I have always thought of what it would have been like to have a father who thought the world of me and my siblings, probably something I will never know. But, I know that I am better because of it and wouldn't trade these experiences for anything.

  3. Everything you write is so poetical.
    I think it's funny we were both thinking about our dads around the same time.

    It's hard sometimes to recognize those things we need to just walk away from.
    Even harder to actually walk away.
    I admire you for knowing what you need and giving it to yourself.

    And who knows. Maybe one day he'll meet me and everything will make sense (I'm so cute he'll see right away how you could love me and be happy). For now, though, I'm really excited to get to know the rest of your family and become part of that. :)

  4. I hope that he will eventually "get it" and come around. I am so sorry. There is nothing that can replace that relationship. I am so glad that you are surrounded by love and support and I really hope that your father will be added to that list someday, soon;)