I’m back (from outer space). Okay maybe not outer space. But it’s definitely been a journey. Want to hear about it? Good cause this week is the epic tale of what the hell happened to Dupree. (okay it's not that epic or can even be titled a tale but whatever).
Let’s start at the beginning, a very good place to start (Sound Of Music... Anyone?). I was born on… Okay too far back.
Since time isn’t always measured numerically for me let’s go back to PRIDE. Seems like a legit place to start.
So PRIDE happens. I got to meet most of the amazing bloggers and we had a blast. It was nice hanging with Lee and being able to see him so happy. It was just a blast. I was genuinely happy. Crazy I know. It seemed like I was climbing out of my depression that I so lovingly termed “funk”. I was happy.
So then one night me and my boys go out to talk. We just BSed for the longest time while still being serious and opening up to one another. I was so flipping happy.
And then I get the text, and then the call. And then I started bawling.
And even then I went back to my boys. I told them what had happened (Jacob’s post here in case you have no idea what I am referring too) and that I didn’t want to talk about it. They took my mind off things. It was okay...
Fast forward. Life seems to continue even though I don’t know what the fuck is going on. I just wanted out. Bills were piling up. People were talking to me and I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I wanted out.
So I started contemplating suicide again. I thought of when I could do it (because I didn’t want to leave my boss empty handed for too long so Thursday evening would probably be optimal). Where I could do it (up on a trail up the road. Leave my car parked obnoxiously with a note as to my whereabouts and who should find me). How I should do it (let's not go into details...).
Yes I know. Screwed up. But that’s what was going on in my brain. I tried to crawl into seclusion. I tried to quit the blog. I tried to push all my friends away.
So that was the low low. I decided to take a kind of break from the blog and a break from people. But I stayed with people I wanted to talk to. Like S. And Lee. And occasionally E or C because even though they don’t get to see a lot of me, I still like having them around. And I checked here daily because you’re all people I want to talk to too.
But I allowed things I didn’t want to do to just go away. Leave.
I didn’t feel guilty for not wanting to dance.
I didn’t feel terrible about being sad.
I just did. I just was. It was okay.
Things are okay. I'm okay. I laugh. I have fun.
I hug people and like it.
I write a lot of my emotions on Tumblr and don’t care who reads them.
I DELETED MY FB! (And yes sometimes I want to go check in with people and see what is happening in the world but then I remember I don’t give a shit. If I want to talk to anyone I have their number or their email.)
Anyways… because that was rambling. Life is better, killing myself is dumb, I love you all. I think that is the end.
Actually it’s not. I made myself a promise that I would decide what I was going to do next fall by the Fourth of July. Apparently that is next Wednesday so drum roll please… I’m staying. (Who didn’t see that coming?) This lovely institution (sarcasm) that I have been attending is the most logical and easy choice. Hopefully things will be different next year. If not I have Tiff and Jo for an escape up North, Lee for an escape down here and plenty of other people who don’t feel the need to judge or change me (and MJ and Bailey in the cyber world :) ). I plan on throwing myself into working and going to school and hanging out with people that I love. That’s my plan :) And if it fails I will hop in Rici and run home to my mommy like a baby. But hey as for now I’m going to try and be an adult.
Disenchanted- My Chemical Romance
We watched our lives on the screen
I hate the ending myself
But it started with an all right scene
It was the roar of the crowd
That gave me heartache to sing
It was a lie when they smiled
And said, "You won't feel a thing"
And as we ran from the cops
We laughed so hard it would sting
Yeah yeah, oh
If I'm so wrong
(So wrong, so wrong)
How can you listen all night long?
(Night long, night long)
How will it matter after I'm gone?
Because you never learned a goddamned thing
You're just a sad song with nothing to say
About a lifelong wait for a hospital stay
And if you think that I'm wrong
This never meant nothing to you"