believe

Tiff's family is religious, and republican. 
My family is not religious, and republican.
Tiff is not registered to vote.  She doesn't want to vote.  Ever.
Me, I'm a rabid crazy voter who is the first in line to cast my ballot.  I also register diligently every time I move, and make sure I know where my voting location is.  I keep up on the issues, I read all the pamphlets, handouts and eduactional media.  I keep abreast of what my local chapter of politically energized gay and lesbian advocates are spouting off. 

Last election I had the fever.  I had hope.  I believed that change was necessary.  I believed we'd see more equality for gay and lesbian issues.  I figured we'd finally get the sodomy law off the books here in Utah.  Or the very least, the ability of Utah employers to fire someone just for sexual orientation to be changed.  Wanna know what? None of that has happened.  Nothing has changed.  I figured we wouldn't probably have gay marriage, but I thought by now civil unions would be rampant. 

Wow how the mighty have fallen.  There's very little hope left in me.  I work in a job that I can't talk about my life for fear of being fired.  I lie about my family life so that no one knows.  I'm engaged and want to plan to plan a wedding.  Instead I can't even talk about it (outside of Tiff and I really).  It seems even gay and lesbian couples are sort of undecided how they feel about marriage.  Some friends are supportive and others are down right anti marriage.  The anti-marriage group are split.  There are the anti-marriage ones who say it's not legal so why even pretend.  Then there's the "no lesbain relationship lasts" group. 

There's thousands of sayings about gay and lesbian relationships out there. 

"What does a lesbian bring on the second date? A U-Haul"

"What does a gay man bring on the second date? What second date?"

So on and so forth.  I'm sure you get the idea.  I'm running out of steam I do believe.  There's only so much fight in me for each and every day.  Today I think my kids and my job stole it all away.  It's been syphoned off into space and I can't get it back. I'm sad that so little has changed.

How much longer will I wait to say I do legally to the person I love?
How much longer will I worry about losing my job because of who I love?
How many more times will I have to explain my family to medical providers?
How many more times will I have to remind people to have simple manners?
How much more money will I have to spend protecting myself and my family legally in the event of death?
How many more times will I be denied benefits because I'm not "married"?

We share a mortgage
We raise kids
We argue and make-up :)
We set goals and reanalyze goals
We save money
We spend even more
We aren't considered a family
Why?

Try explaining that at your dining room table.  Try talking to children about people believing in something they call god.  Explaining that god tells these same people that families can only consist of a dad a mom and children.  My kids think it's pretty funny.  "obviously that's not the only kind of family mom cause we are a family."  Why yes, yes we are.

The wind is out of my sails.  I need to be re inflated with hope in our future.  I don't know who I will vote for.  I don't think either person has a great plan.  How can I expect someone else to fight for me, or my family, when I'm too damn tired to do it?  I can only imagine how tiring campaigning is.  I'm exhausted watching it. 

I want to believe that one day all humans will be just that- humans.  I want to believe we will all learn to accept all that is and all that is not.  I hope and pray and dream and wish and stress and cry that one day we will all be equal.

I want to get married.  I want it to be called a marriage.  I want Tiff to be my wife.  I want to say "I DO" while looking in her eyes.  I want to grow old and wrinkly and pruny and saggy with Tiff.  I want you all to know that that's how I feel about her and her only.

Most of all I just want to believe again.