Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Coming out

I didn’t really come out of a closet.  I was dragged out.  By my mother.  By the little underhairs on my neck.  At the tender age of 21.

I started bringing girls home to family dinners.  During one such event my mother flat out asked “so are you dating girls now”.  Even if she knew the answer I don’t think she was ready for the answer.  I know that my parent’s would prefer I wasn’t a lesbian.  I know that my very republican family has very strong beliefs on raising children, marriage and family.  So do I in fact.  I just have very different ones than my family.

Even though my family doesn’t support gay marriage, I know they love me.  Even though my family thinks families should exist of men and women getting married and having babies, they support my family.  Maybe they aren’t there at PRIDE yelling out for equal rights, and maybe they don’t vote for someone who believes in my right to get married to the person I love, but they love me.  My parents love me enough to give me the space to be who I am, and how I am.  I know my mother has very strong opinions on me, on my sexuality, on my children, on how I’m raising my children and on and on and on.  But, my mother and I rarely fight about all that any more.  We have agreed to see differently. 

My parents are really amazing people.  They have always been civil to men, and women I have dated.  They have allowed these people into their home for holidays, family events and just regular visits.  My parent’s for Christmas last year had my family over, my family being Tiff, the girls and I.  They also had my ex-wife over.  So yes, my ex-wife, my current partner, my children, my siblings, my grandparents, my parents and I celebrated the holiday together.  The only comment made all night was during our annual battle over who has to say the prayer.  This comment was made by my mother “I think Amy should have to say the prayer cause she brought the most guests”.  I don’t know why we have to say a prayer at thanksgiving and Christmas every year, but we do.  Only those two times out of the countless family events require a prayer. 

My siblings both live out of state.  They are supportive of Tiff and I.  They are supportive of me.  They love my daughters.  My grandmother calls Tiff my “friend”.  Yes my grandmother knows about our relationship as I tell her all the time “grandma, you mean FLAMING LESBO”, when she refers to me.  My grandmother rolls her eyes and humphs while stating under her breath “ I don’t know why you have to talk like that”.  Meaning I have poor manners for talking “that way”, not that being a FLAMING LEBSO is wrong.

My family thinks being gay is a choice.  They believe this because for me it has been.  I have had long discussions that it is NOT A CHOICE for many people.  This hasn’t been very successful, but I try.  Sorry for that. 

I guess that it hasn’t always been this simple.  My mother and I have fought about this topic.  It always boils down to my mother raised me to believe in myself, to be true to myself and to not follow all the other sheep in life.  Perhaps had my mother known how I would take those things and live them she wouldn’t have raised me the same way.  Oh well now, I’m all done and grown up.  J

This is pretty much my coming out.  Rather dreary.  Yes there has been tears, and probably disappointment, and anger, and therapy.  Yet through all that, here we are.  13 years later, I have 3 kids with an ex-wife.  I’m planning a wedding with another woman.  Tiff my kids and I live 4 blocks away from ex and from my parents.  Different directions, but 4 blocks for both.  We go to my parent’s house at least once a week.  We, meaning Tiff, my kids and I hang out with my parents all the time.  We have dinner with them, hang out there, at their house for hours.  I like being at my parent’s house.  I love my parent’s.  I enjoy watching my girls with their grandparents.

I am grateful that I have a family that is just that, a family.  I am grateful that, even though my parents would probably prefer my path be different, they are supportive.  I’m grateful that Tiff will go and camp out at my parents with me.  I have many, many blessings.  I love my family.

Now that I’ve talked about coming out, next week I can tackle turkey basters.  That one will be more comedic than this.  My coming out is rather old news and relatively trauma free so it’s sort of boring.  I guess my coming out is just simple.  I live my life, I love who I love and life just goes on.  


  1. Turkey basters happen when they happen. I love hearing stories of coming out - especially when they include supportive families. Please thank and hug yours for me!

  2. Glad your family supports you. Acceptance seems to be fluid with some of my family and friends. The sibling who is agnostic has no problems. One sib who is active in the church was initially supportive but is having a harder time. The other one who was less supportive is now more supportive.

  3. I'm really curious to know more about what you mean by being gay has been a choice for you, even if it's not a choice for others.

    Also, I'm absolutely in love with your opening--it could be the opener of the great american gay novel... ;)

  4. Lol I'm Bisexual. I don't think that's a choice, I love who I love. My mom believes I fell in live with a woman because I was "hanging with that crowd". If I hung with a guy she believes I'd live happily ever after the other way. Who knows? Sorry but we are camping in Bryce and Zion's this week so I'm not logging in...this is AM