Voice

Once upon a time there was a little girl who attended a big university. She hated the university. She never felt like she fit in and she felt imperfect in a sea of perfection and she wanted desperately to go home. She never dreamed that there may be people who felt like she did. Who acted like she did…

But then one fine day she was getting a Jamba. It was near the end of the school year. She wasn’t going home but she had a job lined up for the summer and was content enough.

Till a boy stood next to her to wait for his Jamba. She tried not to look at his shirt because she felt shame from it. How could he wear such a shirt? Did it mean he was? Were there others here? She had just barely admitted to her Bishop that she was a sinner who liked girls and then this boy walks up with this tee-shirt announcing that he was okay with that? Wow.

So you guessed it. That lil frosh was me. I never dreamed that there was other gay people at BYU. I remember crushing on a girl in the dorm next to mine and thinking that there was no way she was gay…

But I remember thinking of this boy from time to time. I thought of him when I read about the guy telling his story in the Review which made me look into USGA. I remembered him when I joined USGA and then when Tif put out a call to bloggers. I wrote my piece thinking that she would never pick me but how cool would it be to write on a blog! I remembered him when Tif asked me what my orientation was and I told her straight but that my friends thought I might be “bi-curious”. I remembered him when I came out. And periodically I still think of him and his courage and how I wanted to thank him for being a voice for me when I didn’t know how to speak yet.  

And then I got to. I recognized him at the meeting last night [yes I’m going back to USGA, more on that in like a paragraph] and went up to him and thanked him. The entire meeting was about using your voice. A voice that I plan on screaming out this semester. It’s time to be loud. I’m going to make a change and make this place better for us.

Anyway USGA. I went Thursday. I also went to Fabulous Home Evening last Monday. I had a friend come out to me recently and he invited me back. I met some people at FHE but I didn’t think too much of it. Come Thursday I’m lost in the JRCB and I turn and there are the people I met the few days before with a new girl. Instantly they grab me into the conversation and me and the other girl become mustache cousins and I’m invited to SLAB pizza which then turned into a quest for Ginger Ale which turned into a quest for Bawls [the energy drink that leads to immature (yet hilarious) sexual innuendos] which turned into going to the movies and totally crushing on Jennifer Lawrence [House At The End of Street] which just made a complete evening.

Now I love my straight friends. But sometimes you need to share the gay stuff.

Sometimes I need to be able to look at a girl and not feel guilty about it.

Sometimes I need to curse and not constantly watch everything I say.

Sometimes I need to admit I’m a democrat and that I LOVE GLEE!

Sometimes I need to stop pretending for this BYU bullshit and just be myself.

And I got that. I [re]met some hilarious gays that instantly loved me. I [re]met two transsexuals who have the most interesting and dynamic and awesome friendship ever. And I met a girl like me. Not just a DemiSexualPanRomantic. But another girl who understood and EXPERIENCED the problems with being a Mormon. Who had a dirty mind and a sailor’s mouth. Who wore one rainbow earring and one mustache earring. Who was actually smart and attended BYU. And who was HIPSTER AND GOTHIC!

Yea. I met amazing people. People that reminded me I am nowhere near alone in this hell hole. 

"Your boldness stands alone among the wreck

Now learn from your mother or else spend your days biting your own neck
But it was not your fault but mineAnd it was your heart on the lineI really fucked it up this timeDidn't I, my dear?"

"Girl you've got to be what tomorrow needs
For every time that they want to count you out
Use your voice every single time you open up your mouth
Sing it from the heart
Sing it out for the ones that'll hate your guts
Sing it for the deaf
Sing it for the blind
Sing about everyone that you left behind"

And check out my new page :)

http://www.facebook.com/SafeHavenUtah