Friday, October 19, 2012

I Don't Know

You can’t move on with your life until you let go of the past.

Shitty cliché be damned I totally agree with this.
Sunday night I was writhing in memories. I couldn’t sleep. I spent the entire night thinking of the one girl I’ve loved. Missing her so much yet wishing I could just move on.
Every time a person likes me I find reasons to not like them. I find a way to duck out and not make it work.
Maybe I just want to be miserable?
Maybe I don’t believe I deserve true happiness?
Maybe the person really just isn’t good enough?
Or maybe I’m just still clinging to my past.
I sit up at night dreaming of a future I know damn well will never come true. The romantics would tell me to never give up but the realists remind me that she is a homophobe.
I told my story at USGA tonight. I didn’t do it to receive sympathy, we were just sharing coming out stories that we regretted, but people came up and told me how sorry they were.
I guess I’m sorry too. But I honestly don’t know. I just got off the phone crying to my mother and really that was all I could say, is that I didn’t know.
I don’t know how to move on with my life. But I also don’t know how to not dream about the life I’ve wanted so much.
I don’t know how to have a meaningful relationship without running away.
I don’t know if I like this girl or not. Or if I’m trying to convince myself to like her because I think I’m convincing myself to not like her.
I don’t know how gender plays such a role for people.
I don’t know what I want. Do I want to be left alone or do I need my friends?
I don’t know if I can continue on at BYU but I don’t know if I could ever actually quit.
I’m just so confused and no one has answers. 


  1. Hugs, Dupree. I wish I had answers for you, but, as you said, I don't. All I can say is that the cliche is true and somehow it happened in my life. I didn't think I could move on, but eventually I did. And now I'm very happy. It didn't happen quickly for me and I think you have plenty of reasons to be confused. But I believe in you. I don't know much past that, but hopefully what little I know is a small comfort.

  2. I'm sorry, honey : ( I wish I had answers too. No one does, and I'm learning that reconciling with that fact is one of the hardest parts of life. I love you, and I love reading your questions and empathizing with you completely. Good luck, lovey.

  3. I hope I've told you this before, but if I haven't, I will now: Dupree, you are one of the strongest, most beautiful people I know. Thank you for all you do - but most importantly, thank you for BEING you.

  4. Hello there! Quick question that's completely off topic. Do you know how to make your site mobile friendly? My web site looks weird when browsing from my iphone4. I'm trying to find a template or plugin that might be
    able to resolve this issue. If you have any recommendations, please share.

    my web site:

  5. Its such as you learn my thoughts! You appear to grasp so much about this, like you wrote
    the e book in it or something. I think that you
    can do with some p.c. to power the message home a little
    bit, however instead of that, that is great blog.
    A great read. I'll definitely be back.
    Here is my web site free teen porno pictures

  6. I go to see each day a few web pages and sites to read articles,
    except this website presents feature based
    Review my webpage : drunk girls

  7. I like the valuable info you provide for your articles.
    I'll bookmark your blog and test once more here regularly. I'm reasonably sure I will
    learn many new stuff proper here! Good luck for the next!
    Take a look at my website : nude girls

  8. Your style is unique compared to other people I have read stuff from.
    Thank you for posting when you've got the opportunity, Guess I'll
    just book mark this web site.
    Also see my web site: teen porn post

  9. I loved as much as you'll receive carried out right here. The sketch is tasteful, your authored material stylish. nonetheless, you command get got an shakiness over that you wish be delivering the following. unwell unquestionably come further formerly again as exactly the same nearly a lot often inside case you shield this hike.
    Feel free to visit my homepage ... Indigo Augustine DP

  10. Thanks for your personal marvelous posting!
    I actually enjoyed reading it, you could be a great author.
    I will remember to bookmark your blog and will eventually come back someday.
    I want to encourage you continue your great work, have a nice afternoon!
    Feel free to surf my web site :: click the following internet site