You can’t move on with your life until you let go of the past.
Shitty cliché be damned I totally agree with this.
Sunday night I was writhing in memories. I couldn’t sleep. I spent the entire night thinking of the one girl I’ve loved. Missing her so much yet wishing I could just move on.
Every time a person likes me I find reasons to not like them. I find a way to duck out and not make it work.
Maybe I just want to be miserable?
Maybe I don’t believe I deserve true happiness?
Maybe the person really just isn’t good enough?
Or maybe I’m just still clinging to my past.
I sit up at night dreaming of a future I know damn well will never come true. The romantics would tell me to never give up but the realists remind me that she is a homophobe.
I told my story at USGA tonight. I didn’t do it to receive sympathy, we were just sharing coming out stories that we regretted, but people came up and told me how sorry they were.
I guess I’m sorry too. But I honestly don’t know. I just got off the phone crying to my mother and really that was all I could say, is that I didn’t know.
I don’t know how to move on with my life. But I also don’t know how to not dream about the life I’ve wanted so much.
I don’t know how to have a meaningful relationship without running away.
I don’t know if I like this girl or not. Or if I’m trying to convince myself to like her because I think I’m convincing myself to not like her.
I don’t know how gender plays such a role for people.
I don’t know what I want. Do I want to be left alone or do I need my friends?
I don’t know if I can continue on at BYU but I don’t know if I could ever actually quit.
I’m just so confused and no one has answers.